Part 2: When We Make It Work (And They Don’t)
How high-functioning women unknowingly enable under-functioning partners
You’re the emotionally literate one. The self-aware one. The one who reads the books, names the patterns, initiates the conversations. You see the dynamic. You’re willing to own your part. You lead with empathy. You keep trying — for both of you. And without realizing it… you start holding the entire relationship up by yourself. You stay. You explain. You regulate for two. You forgive again. You keep the peace. You make excuses like:
“He’s doing his best.”
“He just needs time.”
“I can’t expect him to grow at the same pace.”
“It’s just a rough patch.”
But the truth underneath all that generosity is often this: You’re carrying the emotional labor of the relationship. And somewhere inside, you know it.
What does under-functioning look like?
It’s not always dramatic. In fact, it’s often subtle — especially in modern, “spiritual” or “emotionally intelligent” men. But the essence is the same: a consistent lack of attunement, initiative, or follow-through in co-creating relational depth.
It looks like:
You bringing up every important conversation
You initiating all the repair
You being more emotionally available, self-reflective, curious
You shrinking your needs to match what’s available
You slowly losing energy — and blaming yourself for being “too much”
And here’s the hard truth: When this goes on long enough, a power imbalance forms. Not in status, but in relational responsibility. You are functioning for two, and they are being allowed to coast.
How do we co-create this?
This is the part most women don’t want to look at — and also where their power lies. You’re not the victim of this dynamic. You’re participating in it. Often from a place of good intentions, nervous system conditioning, or learned relational strategy.
You might:
Avoid your deeper truth because it feels “too final” or “too intense”
Not hold real boundaries because you don’t want to seem rigid
Over-explain in hopes of being understood instead of standing in clarity
Stay in hope because disappointment feels like failure
And at the root of it, for many, is this subtle belief: “If I’m just better at loving, this will work.” But love isn’t a solo project. And generosity without reciprocity becomes self-abandonment.
The deeper impact
When you over-function, your partner doesn’t have to. Whether they can’t or won’t — that’s theirs to own. But what’s yours is the part that keeps propping it up. The emotional labor. The invisible labor. The labor of staying “understanding” long past what’s tolerable.
The longer you carry it, the more exhausted and resentful you become — and the less clarity you have. You start doubting yourself. You get confused about what’s “too much.” You start thinking, maybe this is just what intimacy feels like. You forget what reciprocity even is.
Human Design Insight
If you have a defined Will Center or undefined Emotional Center in Human Design, this dynamic might feel extra tricky. Defined Will? You’ll push. Prove. Endure. You’ll feel responsible to “make it work” and prove your value by effort. Undefined Emotional Center? You’ll avoid “rocking the boat” or provoking emotional reactions, and default to managing peace — even if it drains you.
Neither is wrong. But both can trap you in relationships where you are doing too much, and receiving too little.
This isn’t about blame — it’s about awareness
Some partners truly want to grow, but don’t know how. Others stay passive because they can. And some simply aren’t willing.
But if you keep over-functioning, you won’t be able to tell the difference. Because your brilliance, your compassion, your awareness is running the show — alone.
Gentle Reflection
Ask yourself this:
What am I currently holding in this relationship that doesn’t belong only to me?
Where are you compensating for what’s missing — instead of voicing it?
What would happen if you stopped making it work?
Just notice. Let your body answer.
This is Part Two of a four-part series on voice, emotional truth, and relational imbalance in high-functioning women. If you missed Part One, you can go back and read it [link to Part 1]. Two more parts are coming — each one building on this quiet, important unraveling.
If this already hits home and you want to explore it more deeply in your own life or relationship, you don’t have to wait for the next post. You can reach out to me directly — this is the work I do.
